mbmbam – Fake Benevolence

http://skillfulway.tumblr.com/post/180878593029/audio_player_iframe/skillfulway/tumblr_pj6ne14MMs1r0ejci?audio_file=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tumblr.com%2Faudio_file%2Fskillfulway%2F180878593029%2Ftumblr_pj6ne14MMs1r0ejci

taako-waititi:

heraareyouthere:

pagesofkenna:

This is legitimately the funniest thing that has ever happened on MBMBAM

who doesn’t eat raw pasta tho, that’s a thing???

transcript:

Justin: Hi, Brooks!

Travis: [crosstalk] Hello, Brooks!

Brooks: So, my question is – my boyfriend keeps on going into the pantry and grabbing… handfuls of fettuccine?

[audience laughs]

Brooks: Unco – [laughs] uncooked?

Griffin: [sarcastically] I would hope he’s not grabbing handfuls of cooked fettuccine, Brooks!

Travis: In your pantry?!

Brooks: No – and eating them raw – [audience groans] – and he keeps calling them chips?

Justin: Okay –

[audience laughs]

Brooks: How do I make him stop?

Travis: Is your boyfriend here?

Brooks: Yeah.

Travis: You’re a monster! [audience and Justin laugh] Words mean things!

Griffin: Does anyone remember – [clears throat] I haven’t been to olive garden in… many moons, but they do have like, a little, like – fettuccine… bottle that you can just grab ‘em out of and chew – hold on! [indignantly] Was this a prank you guys pulled on me when we went to Olive Garden as kids?!

[audience laughs]

Griffin: No. Stop, everybody shut up! [audience and Justin laugh] Do they give you fe – raw fettuccine to chew on in the lobby of the Olive Garden??

Audience: No!

Griffin: YOU ST- FUCKIN’ – BASTARDS!

Travis: [crosstalk] Yaaaaaaayyy!!

[audience starts cheering and clapping]

Justin: The prestige!!

[Travis and Justin cackle while the audience cheers. Griffin presumably has his head in his hands.]

Travis: And now you have IBS!

Griffin: I didn’t -!

Travis: [triumphantly] We got ‘im!

Griffin: What I need you – [aside] Brooks, we’ll get back to you – [to his brothers] what I need you two to understand is – [Justin wheezes and giggles] that was not – the only time I went to Olive Garden. [audience laughs] There were – [laughs]

Travis: [in disbelief] Were there never employees around, like -??

Justin: [high-pitched giggles]

[audience laughs even more at Justin’s giggling]

Griffin: I – I! Wanting to seem like an authentic metropolitan… diner, would always grab the fettuccine and walk over to my friends like, “Mm, yeah, I’m a little – a little peckish -”

Travis: [cackles]

Justin: Griffin – Griffin, I –

Griffin: I fucking can’t believe – I can’t believe you did that, and I can’t believe literally I’m finding out in the worst imaginable venue –

Justin: Speaking as a former Olive Garden employee, there is – if I saw a little kid eating fettu – raw fettuccine, the… odds of me stopping them are negative one thousand percent.

[audience laughs]

Griffin: Okay, Brooks.

Justin: Brooks.

Griffin: Yeah, so I’m – gonna –

Justin: Wait –

Griffin: Sit this one out, Brooks! [audience and Travis laugh]

Justin: Brooks, is it possible that your boyfriend has been laboring under the same delusion as my brother for all these years? [audience laughs] “Oh, but wait, they sell this for you to take home? Okay! Little fancy for myself, then!”

[Griffin and audience giggle]

Travis: Brooks, is it possible –

Griffin: Mmm.

Travis: – your boyfriend does not believe these are chips, but instead, likes to annoy you, by calling them chips, a thing I – not exactly that, but similar – do to my wife all the time? [audience laughs]

Griffin: Is it possible, your boyfriend… loves chips. And you never have chips, and this is his way of passive-aggressively sort of – [audience laughs] guilting you into go – “Ooh, these are tasty chips!” – and as a raw fettuccine eater myself, I can tell you, it’s not a – it’s not a good chew!

[audience and brothers laugh]

Griffin: You do it, and you put it in your mouth, and your six-year-old brain thinks, it’ll turn to fettuccine in the heat of your mouth. [hysterically, as audience laughs] It doesn’t work like that! It doesn’t work like that! It just doesn’t work like that.

Justin: Brooks –

[recording ends]